when life gives you lemons, add beets and make love juice to feed to one’s ailing father. at least that’s what i did this morning. thinking of making parsnips and new potatoes too. my soul must need the roots. i feel a little adrift. cancer can do that to you, even if it’s not happening directly to you. still feels a bit like a bullet to the chest.
the urge to abandon all things, to bring my world to a grinding halt in order to deal with a crisis is tempting, seems necessary almost, something i can do… stop the presses, clear the calendar, lay in wait weapons at the ready – fight. on the other hand, it is equally as tempting to simply succumb to the weight of the unknown, become a puddle of snot and tears in a heap on the floor and just stay there for a good long while – flight.
if i’ve learned anything from being a bystander of this shitfuckingsuckass disease (more than our fair share i might vehemently add), is that it doesn’t wait for you for you to catch your breath. it just plows straight through your life and ironically leaves you with nothing but waiting. waiting for test results, waiting for answers, waiting for options, waiting for a sign of hope and the healing to begin. and Waiting also happens to be bff’s with Fear and Worst-Case-Scenario. assholes.
weighing the alternatives, decidedly i need to simply stay anchored in my life… my family and friends, my work, my loves. that is what gives me strength. the waiting i can’t avoid, but i have a few tricks up my sleeve including a resilience i didn’t always know i had. so i am leaning into the light.
while i can’t help wearing my messy and emotional heart on my sleeve, i also know how to inhabit my life and fill it with joy. it is a skill i’ve learned over the last decade for sure. and i am good at it. i know how to wrap light around even the darkest of notions, paint out my feelings in great big strokes, pour my soul into words, capture beautiful moments in photographs, and reach unabashedly into a deep well of kindred and caring souls. these are my weapons of choice.
beauty, creativity, and love.
don’t get me wrong. i’ll fight dirty if i have too, but for now the plan is to drown the fuckers in fairy lights.